Do You Love Me?

I was reading John 21:15-17 the other day in the Bible. This is where Jesus appears to seven of his disciples who had returned to their fishing boat after Jesus' resurrection. The disciples had fished all night to no avail, and towards morning Jesus pulls out a familiar card and tells them to throw their net on the other side of the boat. The result was 153 large fish and an intact net. When John tells Peter it's the Lord, Peter jumps in the water, unable to wait for the boat to get the short distance to shore. Jesus then invites them all to breakfast, which he has started cooking, although he suggests they bring some of their own fish to add to the fire.

After breakfast came reflection time. Whether Peter wanted it or not. Jesus asks Peter three times if he loves him. Peter says yes, and each time Jesus responds with something involving sheep and lambs. In verse 17, we are told that Peter was grieved because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" At first glance, this conversation might seem like a grilling by Jesus to get a point across. Or I have heard also that Jesus asks him this three times because Peter denied him three times. But there might be more to this than I used to think.

The first time I read a version of the Bible that had footnotes on the meaning of these words for love, I learned that the first two times Jesus used agapeo, which means to love unselfishly to the point that you would be willing to sacrifice. The third time he uses phileo, which means to be a friend or to have the same interests with another person.

To us who read it in English, it looks like Jesus asks the same question three times. But in Greek he asks one question twice and a different question the third time. Peter wouldn't have been grieved because Jesus asked him the same question a third time. He was grieved because the third time, Jesus asked him, "Simon, son of John, do you phileo me?" "Are you my friend? Do you like to do the things I do? Do you like me? Does your heart get mine?"

Agape love is no small thing. Selflessness is counter-cultural perhaps now more than ever. It's not the natural response of fallen, broken people. Sacrificial love truly does require a power higher than our own at work within us. And yet, I wonder, is it possible to agapeo out of duty alone? Can we tend lambs and shepherd sheep simply because we feel obligated or guilty if we don't? In my own experience that is a resounding yes. Then again, maybe that's not really agape love either. Maybe it's just a superficial form of it. Not that good things won't come of that, but with God, it's always a matter of our hearts first.

So what about phileo? It seems like that is possibly even more a reflection of my heart's desires. When two hearts connect, joy results. We are relational beings, and experiencing that deeper kind of connection with another is an important component of true friendship. Jesus gave Peter cause to reflect on their connection. On all they had been through together since His ministry became public. On the common purpose they shared. Maybe Jesus wanted to show Peter that even if he couldn't see Him present physically, what they had in common would preserve their bond.

When Jesus came to the disciples this time, he found them fishing in the boat. When Jesus first met and called them, they left the boats, the nets--everything--and followed Him. To be fishers of men. Interestingly, they could be found in boats in various places in the gospels. Jesus got in the boat with them often. To preach. To calm the raging storm. And then he walked toward the boat on the water, calling Peter out of the boat to walk toward Him. But on this post-resurrection morning, Jesus was on the beach. He called them all out of the boat. It wasn't about fish anymore...it was about sheep. For Peter, Jesus said that loving selflessly and sacrificially could be exemplified by tending His lambs (those new, vulnerable ones of His flock still on spiritual milk), and shepherding His sheep (the big-C Church needs shepherds who have the very heart of God). Which leaves the third question...."Do you phileo me? Tend my sheep." Who are the sheep? If the lamb and sheep analogies are parallel, the sheep are the mature ones of the flock. They, like Peter, have walked with the Lord for a while and know His heart. They are His philos. And just as we gain strength and joy from a heart connection with Christ, we will be blessed in the same way by serving, loving, and living in community with His friends.

Earlier in John's gospel, Jesus gave His disciples a new commandment, "that you agapeo one another, even as I have loved you...By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have agape for one another (13:34-35)." Lest all these thoughts on phileos be misconstrued as an excuse to love and be friends only with people we like and with whom we have common interests, Jesus and His agape love sets the standard. He laid His life down. For us. Because He knew that giving it all up was the only way to gain everything that pertains to life. Go and do likewise.

"Even as I have loved you..."