It's easy to have faith when you have a safety net. When you can tell in advance that things will work out and the uncertainty is small. It's when it looks like you might come up short that the proverbial rubber meets the road. Sometimes my faith gets too small for God. I worry about the what-ifs, and it affects not only my trust in my Provider but also my sense of peace and patience with the rest of the world. Makes me harder to live with, I'm pretty sure.
This time my worries stemmed from what I see here on the farm this fall in relation to the coming winter and spring for grazing. This year provided another learning experience about high stock density grazing in terms of weed control. I think I know some changes to make next year for reducing weed pressure, but in the meantime this summer's unbelievable crop of cockleburs reduced the grass supply in many pastures (for some more thoughts on this, click on the "Cockleburs" article on our website). I knew we had enough grass to feed the cows here on the home farm until we stop milking in early December. At that point, most of the herd will be moved three miles up the road for winter grazing. My concern was whether eating all that up now would leave us with enough pasture to graze the young stock and bulls here all winter, not to mention the necessary stockpiled pasture when the cows come home in March.
So last week this was all getting me pretty down, and I wanted to trust God to provide but didn't know what I should do in the meantime. I mean, should I sell some cows, or what?
Dad was away last week in Maryland helping my brother Jess prepare for moving into his new house right before a week-long mission trip to Mexico. His perspective on trust after returning from that visit helped me quite a bit. Jess has been learning to completely surrender to the Lord and trust Him for everything. In this instance, he was in the final week of an extended fast. Physically he was weak and could literally do next to nothing in his strength. The human perspective might say he was killing himself. The spiritual perspective might say, "My power is perfected in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9) Jess knew without a doubt that since the Lord had called him to this fast he could trust Him to provide anything he needed.
Now I am not claiming to be exceptionally good at always hearing the Lord correctly, nor am I obedient to His voice without fail. I get it right sometimes, but sometimes my flesh gets in the way. That said, our farm and business has been committed for the Lord's work, and I believe He is leading us in how to manage it and serve people who come our way. This is His project, and we are simply some of His Chosen workers. I think this means that I can say, "God, this is Your baby...it's up to You to make it float!"
Dad reminded me that oftentimes God will take us right up to the brink of what seems to be the impossible before proving to us that "with God, all things are possible." In this case, it really hasn't been looking like there will be enough grass. But I am going to sell a handful of animals that I had already been feeling like I should move on. It won't make a huge difference in the number of mouths to feed, but I have decided that trusting in the Lord beats stewing about the situation. I don't know how He will do it, but I know He will come through.
Since making this choice I have not only felt more at peace, but also sensed Him showing me that He could provide in several different ways. For one, I learned that the number of big round bales up at the winter pasture was nearly 2/3 that of previous years even though the number of acres hayed was more on the order of 1/3 of previous years. Secondly, some pastures here at home are growing even in the cool October and November days, and should be substantial for grazing with the cows in the spring. Additionally, some late-fall warm weather is in the forecast. Whether that just grows more grass or makes the cows eat a little less or both...it's all classified as unexpected provision in my book.
The other day I read Isaiah 12:2, which says, "Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the Lord God is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation." He is worthy of my praise and my trust, but not simply because of what He does for me--rather, because of Who He is. Like the prophet Habakkuk, I want to honestly say, "Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength..." (3:17-19a)
Trust. Little word, big concept.
